Dress Code
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: A kinkmeme fill. Prompt: Uryu Ishida has become Vandenreich leader and enforces some new changes... namely on the outfits. All women shall wear miniskirts and the men shall have better capes and buttons. Plot-bunny credit to the Anon who came up with the prompt.


**Author's notes: I wrote this last night when there was an enormous power-cut where I live. It's a fill for a prompt on the kinkmeme, but it looked like the kinkmeme had pretty much been abandoned several months ago, so I decided to put it here as well. The prompt was "Uryu has become VR leader and enforces some new changes...namely on the outfits. All women shall wear miniskirts and the men shall have better capes and buttons. Bonus points for any chaos involving Haschwaldt and Bambietta...even more bonus points if Uryu is really hissy about this rule"**

**So. Um. Yes. I hope you enjoy this piece of canon-defying crack. :)**

* * *

"Oh hell, not this again," Candice complained as the remaining Sternritter fell into a line, scowling at their overzealous fashionista boss, who had just entered the room.

Liltotto raised an eyebrow. "Shut up, Candice. I thought you were talking about how you _wanted_ the boss to pay more attention to your clothes."

"Yeah, I believe the phrase you used to describe him was 'total hottie'," Meninas chipped in.

"_I didn't want _this _much attention_!" Candice snapped, only to be silenced by Haschwalth.

"Would you keep it down?" he requested. "None of us want to hear your juvenile gossip, particularly Master Ishida."

Candice scowled heavily and turned to face the front, where Uryu Ishida was regarding the group with an unimpressed glare.

"Are you quite done?" he asked, surveying Candice coldly.

Candice shrunk away from his piercing gaze. "Yes, Master Ishida."

Uryu raised an eyebrow, before dramatically sweeping forward, his cloak billowing behind him. "Well, seeing as you're apparently so eager to be the centre of attention, Miss Catnipp, why don't we examine your uniform, first?"

"Certainly," she agreed, standing to attention with her head held high as Uryu cast a dismissive gaze over her clothes. Eventually, his gaze came to rest on her shorts.

"I thought I had made it clear that all women were to wear miniskirts from now on?" he said in a deadly voice, his glasses flashing dangerously.

Candice gulped. "Well, you see," she stammered. "I thought that these shorts would be okay, as they're similarly revealing..."

"You really are tasteless," Uryu reprimanded. "The point of the miniskirt is not to be vulgar, or to show everything off, but rather to _hide_! Is it not infinitely more beautiful to let people _wonder_ what is underneath than to put everything on display like some common trollop? That goes for the top half, too. Cover it up, Catnipp."

Haschwalth gave a small cough. "Um, boss?"

"You want to go next, Haschwalth?" Uryu asked, turning his narrowed eyes onto his dragon, before giving a small nod. "Yes, my only comment would be to shorten your cape a bit. Short capes going about halfway to the elbow are all the rage right now. I would wear one myself, but then who would recognise me as the leader of this army? The Emperor's cape must always reach the floor."

"A very good point, sir," Haschwalth agreed, stepping back into the line.

"Okay!" Uryu declared, moving up the line. "Meninas McAllon!"

The pink-clad Quincy stepped forward and stood to attention. Uryu carefully scrutinised her, before delivering his verdict. "Nice miniskirt, suitably concealing top, just the right amount of ruffles. Oh, and you have a nice face," he added as an afterthought. "Just one thing. I have nothing against pink, but we are a _Quincy_ army. Would it kill you to have just a touch of blue somewhere?"

Meninas proceeded to _add_ to the amount of pink on her by blushing at this, sticking her tongue out at a thoroughly irked Candice. "You're right, Master Ishida. How thoughtless of me," she giggled.

Uryu ignored this comment, moving up the queue again. "Liltotto Lamperd," he said, and the small girl jumped forwards.

"Ah, nice traditional-style outfit," he said. "Your skirt is really too long, but because you're just a little girl I shall excuse you."

Liltotto's eye twitched almost imperceptibly. "I'm sixteen," she said through her teeth as Uryu moved on.

"Hmm. Isn't Giselle Gewelle usually with you girls?" Uryu enquired. However, before anybody could answer, the door burst open and Giselle merrily danced in, followed by an almost-unrecognisable figure.

"So sorry I'm late, Master Ishida!" she sang, taking her place next to Liltotto. "I was too busy playing with Bambi and lost track of the time." She gestured to the putrid, rotting corpse which was trailing behind her, and half of the Sternritter blanched.

Uryu folded his arms. "Well, that's an immediate fail," he muttered, forcing himself to look anywhere but at the zombified Bambietta Basterbine. "As for you, Miss Gewelle, I approve of the mini hat and hair antennae. The minidress is pretty, too. Just the right length. However, the tights have got to go."

Giselle blinked. "My tights?"

"Yes," Uryu confirmed. "They make you look like somebody's grandmother. From now on, you will wear thigh-high socks. Zettai ryouiki is the way forward for the Vandenreich!"

"Ze-what?" Giselle asked.

"Zettai ryouiki!" Uryu declared, throwing his hands towards the ceiling. "Absolute territory; the socks, skin and skirt combination. New rule. All female Sternritters must show precisely three inches of thigh between the bottom of their miniskirt and the top of their socks!"

"You have _got_ to be kidding," said the disdainful voice of Bazz-B, who was next in the queue.

Uryu swept sideways. "Did you have something to add, Bazz-B?"

Bazz-B rolled his eyes. "This is stupid," he said, staring unblinkingly at Uryu. "Why does it matter how we're dressed, anyway?"

"In case you had forgotten, Bazz-B, this is an army," said Uryu, silkily. "Armies have always worn uniform both as a means of identification and to instil pride in one's cause. Are you not proud to be a Quincy? Are you not proud to be standing here, with your relatives, fighting for justice?"

Uryu winced slightly.

"Well, whatever your answer, you fail. Your hair is completely hideous. Try a side-fringe or something."

Bazz-B didn't respond, so Uryu continued down the line. "As Nödt, I'm not asking that you dress like a fluffy bunny, but _please_ could you be a bit less scary? Your face spikes even freak _me_ out. Gremmy Thoumeaux, your brain jar could really do with a little more decoration, some sort of accessory, because it's so _boring_ plain. Cang Du..." he said, before giving an audible gasp. "Is that a _button_ I see?"

Cang Du shrugged.

"_You people are hopeless_!" Uryu castigated, turning his back on the army. "I can't even continue with this right now. Dismissed! And if I see a _single_ button during tomorrow's inspection, somebody's being fed to Miss Lamperd." Liltotto proceeded to grin nastily.

"Dismissed!" Uryu repeated, before striding purposefully from the room, leaving the Sternritter puzzled.

After a while, Bazz-B spoke. "Coup d'état?" he suggested.

Haschwalth nodded. "Coup d'état."


End file.
